Why doesn't it ever stop?

Another violation notice? Fuck! Come on!

I was wonderfully tired when I walked into my house today. I'd spent a relaxing evening with 2 of my peoples, both with monotonous voices and very soothing vibes. We hookah'd, we laughed, we ate. It's past midnight, and a delicious drowsiness blanketed me, welcome in comparison to the uncomfortable fatigue I've been feeling since my insomnia peaked a few months ago. I was looking forward to just checking my mail, chatting lightly to a few homies on aim, and then wading into bed -- because maybe, MAYBE tonight, I'll finally get to sleep. I even said, fuck my teeth. I'm not going to brush them. And then...

I get this notice in my hand, with another request for a phone call to be made tomorrow. The problem with having non-English speaking parents is that God forbid you're a capable human being, it's your job to tie up all loose ends. Any and every letter received in the mail requires translation and concern.

I listened to my father explain what this violation was about (I am still waiting for notification that my check for a previous violation was received... it wasn't). All traces of sleep vanished from behind my eyes. I am now wide, wide, WIDE awake. It's almost 2am, and again, I've resigned myself to a bedtime of sunrise.

$1500 dollars? Come on, really?

Give me a break. Please? Please?? I mean, last year. The year before that. And the year before that -- shit just keeps getting progressively worse! None of us can afford that shit. Not even if we pooled all our money together. My pockets aren't getting any bigger to bring that balance, that all-important balance, into my life. I am just ... Agh! *Puts face in hands*

I am frustrated to the point of tears. Again. AGAIN.

It just... never stops.

It never. Stops.

Is this really my future? Should I expect it to ease any time soon? Is it realistic to even ask for that?

Let me tell you, optimism is a full time job. And as all full-time jobs go, I'm getting sick of it. I'm worn to the bone. I don't think I can do it anymore. I don't know if I'll have any left when I get older. Dear God, please don't let me get bitter.

I'm losing motivation, yall. It's taking more energy to remain here than leave. It's hard yo, it's SO hard to maintain it, especially with the crash-diet of hope and disappointment I keep see-sawing in between. Every time I come close to making ends meet, they move the ends. But I'm trying. This time I'm really, really trying. Without that optimism, I would be nothing.

I'm just so, so tired.
Physically, mentally, financially.

Help me... Seriously. I'm breaking.