Nods

Hung out with Kryptonite today. Didn't falter, but toed around the familiar first stages of our relationship. There were the hard laughs, the sarcastic dialogues, the physical binds I used to yearn for. I felt my petals stretching towards him, so I pulled back. It took a lot, but I did good.

We leaned back in the car and joked around for a few until he started work around midnight. I gave him a hug that I wanted to put more into, but I held myself in check.

This has always been our problem. He makes me so scared to show hope. He makes me feel foolish, but not with active intent; he does it with his reactions, his withdrawals. He shows all the typical signs of Mind Game, and I've decided to bury this story -- future and all -- deep into the soil.

It's just very hard to do when he's next to me, and we're laughing.

Because of this, I reign in my actions. And I am a very bad liar, I can't even omit information without a struggle. You can see the effort all over my face. While I know that doing this will only lead to the cycle of misunderstanding that kept us conflicted this entire time, at this point I have to do it for myself. Before, I fell back because I thought I was smothering him away. Now, I do it because I am terrified of the welling of hope that's rising in the pits of my chest again.

I had the opportunity to answer "Wait. You're avoiding me?" with something that could have spoken volumes of what I was feeling, and possibly shine more understanding into his world. I could have said a number of things. But then I faltered, I held back. I bit my tongue. I shrugged, and he silenced.

I don't want to open this door again. So I will say here the few things (out of the entire speech that rolled into my mind after we parted ways LOL) I wanted to say the entire night:

"You make me so afraid to hope.
You keep showing me I shouldn't.
And at this point, I know better.

It just keeps happening! And I don't know how to stop it.

I know I can't change you, but it's hard for me to stop pressing to it when my heart keeps instantly recognizing you.

I have to stay away -- out of sight, out of mind.

But, it was really, realy good seeing you again tonight. And though I know I shouldn't, I hope that we can do this again."