I'm at the point where I know I should stop poking around all those sensitive spots in my heart/ego/etc (after pressing months of vulnerablility/humbling experiences?/oh, reality) and get back out there, smiling. I have to leave them sores alone, stop covering them up so that they can heal properly.
When I went through that mess and all my failures were steadily being brought to light, I made "growing up and doing it right" such a mission that I left little room for anything else. I tackled my worst traits head on -- dismantling them, absorbing them, predicting their futures in order to adjust to the present. I put up a wall in defense to brace for new losses and needless to say, I lost a lot of friends during this time. All for the better, I need to be alone to do this right, I told myself.
My best friend, I'm sorry to admit, played a supporting role in this project of mine. I requested that she be the good friend I deserve and lay my flaws out flat for me to work off of. It was something she had a keen sense for, and she did so with accurate precision. I compare it to winning a complex video game solely on cheat codes, playing just to win but winning on advice. I was cheating, instead of learning. I was doing it for the trophy without ever learning the skill.
Eventually, I got sad. Sad, frustrated, and I hovered close into the fires of Bitter. I couldn't figure out the reasons for my deepening withdrawal other than general "depression? I think?" and to an extent, it was true. I wasn't going anywhere. I was still, on every level, failing and I didn't know why. I couldn't trust the advice of the people giving them to me. I was relying on them too much. And I started to hate myself, thus hating the world around me. My job, my home, my friends. New York. Anywhere but here.
I lost respect for the person I used to be. I focused on my negative traits for so long that I forgot the reasons people fell in love with me in the first place. Thus, I lost love for myself. I was running away from the old me so hard.
And to get that old thing back, I gotta readjust. Shave off the negatives and work on the good stuff. I have new ideas of what makes me happy now, so I just have to explore them. I won't list them, because they're specific to me and subject to change.
Sigh. It's past 430am. Hopefully I can build more answers around this. Ta.
