Cutting shit out

and breathing better. Today was a nice day. My stresses are still ruining my back -- I had trouble turning my head to look at someone mid-conversation -- but finally, finally, my mind seems to be clear. Gaining control of your own self is one of the most difficult things to do.

I looked over the training material for a volunteer session I'm going to attend this weekend, and it unnerved me to instantly think of my best friend when I read the words, "Advice is still a form of abuse." What does that mean, when you start to see things about a person you love that makes you completely uncomfortable? Do you compromise? Or do you stick to your guns?

The thing about relationships in the 20s is that these are our years of growth.. changes.. renewal. Shit gets volatile when theres obligations that prevent this from happening. Space is necessary to observe, absorb, adjust.

Change can't happen thoroughly, it seems, when the other cannot let you go. True identity can't set properly when it has to heal around the old. Breaks might be necessary for relationships during this era -- for the sake of preservation. During these turbulent times of self-realization, doubt and regeneration, loving yourself becomes difficult. And I can't love you if I don't love myself.

Step off, so that I can love you later -- if, in the end, that's what I'm supposed to do. I need to know who I am without you... let me go.

I don't have the energy to explore my tendencies to suddenly break from those I depend on in order to move ahead. It is a reoccuring pattern though, that I have to force myself to acknowledge. This is the third break you're itching to make.

3am. Sleep is so elusive. Thinking shit like this does not help.