Properly Instilled Discipline

is necessary for good structure in the future. It must be steadily enforced throughout childhood, in all ways -- including set dinner times, following through on threats, and consistent authoritative presence (NOT militant).

The pattern in our family is that we lacked it severely. There was punishment, oh no question about it. There were both warranted and unwarranted beatings, threats, etc. I still have memories that make me wince, my artwork ripped into shreds, canvas hanging limply from broken easels, bruises that went away a lot faster than I wanted them to sometimes -- proof, that it wasn't my fault I was crazy. But they always shied away, after barely making an appearance.

My mother voiced her frustrations to me tonight, and initially I defended myself with dropped eyebrows and a hot voice, turning it into an all out fight. But I had to stop and open my mind -- I realized she was right. I realized that what she was saying was nothing I haven't heard before: from angry friends, from well-intended teachers, and even from myself, directed at my younger brother or father after countless reminders and requests. She's right, man.

I understand. And I'm sorry.

I told her (and this is when the realization hit) that you can complain all you want, you can point out all our flaws with the hopes that we will grasp them and change -- but without discipline, those urgent pleads go nowhere. I feel it's too late. As much as we want to change ourselves, we can't, because it's so hard to hold on to a string of motivation. It's hard for us to follow through with the prerequisite steps, so we keep failing. And that keeps us anchored to this goddamned cycle. It frustrates us, almost enrages us, when outsiders -- as well-intended as they are -- fume at us for failing because we KNOW. We KNOW everything you're telling us; we KNOW because we TRY. It just doesn't look that way to anyone else.

We TRY, ladies and gentlemen. And we FAIL.

I am -- we are -- sorry for the things we do... or rather, don't do. We are sorry for our attempts at success, and sorry for failing so many times. For "giving up." For straying from the goals we so enthusiastically set. Don't you understand?

Trying to apply discipline into our lives at a later age is like trying to combine two pieces of metal with Elmer's glue. It just won't stick. The bond has to be applied during creation, welded during formation, for it to have any hold on us as adults.

Parents: please remember this when you are raising your children. Please start early, and please stick it through. But don't forget to love us in the process, punishment isn't everything. Don't be afraid to support us. We need that more than you can imagine.

Friends: please consider this the next time you are this close to giving up on us. Please remember that we're not doing it to offend you. We're not trying to disrespect you. It's not like we don't want to learn, to remember, to progress. It looks easy to you because you have no idea, NO IDEA how hard it is, if it's something you already have. By the time you are an adult, it's as second nature as breathing.

And please, of all things, understand that we are truly unhappy on the inside. We don't like the way we are. We remember all our failures, we just try not to because we can't change them.

It hurts us when you go.
But we don't know how to fix it, so what can we do?

If you can't accept us for who we are, what else can you do but walk away?

If we can't promise drastic changes, if we can't offer you what you need and deserve, what else can we fucking do but nod our goodbyes, and let you leave?

Well, I'm sorry.
Thank you for staying with me as long as you have.

I'm trying my best.